i am going to try to go back to school, I told michael if that doesnt help us(my getting out a little more, which who knows my help my depression etc) then I will finish school get a job a move out. I told him everything about how i feel towards him. That I hate hijm for what he did to me, that I havent loved him in a long time now, and how much I want to leave. how I feel like living here isnt helping. How much I want to be able to take care of myself and that I feel my dependancy on him is unhealthy. Even how I cant forgive him or trust him again...and where is love without that. Iwould have something even told him why exactly I wanted children with him..I wanted to be the housewife, and at least if I had a child I that loves me and I can love it without the past hurt...and I could finally live that dream of being a mother. At least one of my dreams could come true.

He says he loves me and I know he does, and in a way I do love him but not like he wants. I feel a deep connection. But on my end its the kind of love I'd have with a really good friend who knows everything about me. Yes your husband should be someone like that but, sometimes differences are just to much.

I managed to finally tell him how different we are and how to me thats a bad thing. He doesnt like art, or poetry barely glances at my works or anything I try to show him. Hardly listens when I try to tell him a story or a dream I had. And doesnt believe in me. He has no ambition...he's worked at a part time job for 2 years..without a GED, and since I met him I have been trying to get him to get it, and if it wasnt for me telling him he has to do it, he would never lift a finger to do it...He has no dreams of the future of where we will go...where as I have so many dreams, or at least I used to. Now my dreams dont involve him so much.

I begged that if we dont work out he stays my friend, loosing him as a lover is one thing I can handle fine, but if I loose him as a friend I think honestly my heart would break because I cant loose that too I care to much not to ever see him or talk to him again.

I'm not sure where we stand, he's acting sweet again..like he used to. But this happens everytime we have a talk like this...it only lasts a couple days at most. I know this wont work. I can't do it with him anymore, once he was my prince now he is the one who tore apart my life.

I will go back to school, somehow I will force myself. because I have to do this otherwise I will never be happy.

So yes, The kool aid failed horribly, i had to wash it out after 2 hours as my scalp burned and itched. Though i didnt break out in hives. It did tint my hair slightly reddish but not what I had hoped. So when I was wandering through the dollar tree I came across hair dye. some brand called de la Ritz ColorEasy. Since it only cost a buck I picked one up(even though hubbys grandpa laughed and said he would have bought me good hair dye..but i couldnt see the point in paying 7 bucks for something i'm gonna change shortly anyways lol)

I got auburn, i've used it before the color turns of beautiful, though it fades faster then most hair dyes i've used (even though its supposedly permanent)

We went out hubby wanted to buy a video game, and i conivnced him to let me get hair dye..wandering through Ulta I found spalt, and punky colors, I went with spalt since it was bright pink, the punky colors didnt have a bright pink in stock.

I also bought a bleach kit. Any idea how long Spalt Pink fetish lasts?

( Before pics )

I feel great today, I walked 2 miles(in my house! workout vids!) without stoping for a break, whereas yesterday I did one mile waited an hour or so then did the next.

Started my fast today as well cant tell you how amazing it feels to not stress about food and to focus on drinking water and improving my body. It'll really help clear out the toxins in me to from the smoking etc. I'm hungry but everything i've read says that pain will pass in a few days then I wont think about it at all.I plan to do this fast for 40 days the safe amount of time, it'll also help me learn to control my eating habits. No more junk food low carbs only when I get off of it. Finally i've got control of something in this shit mess of a life. I can loose weight. Maybe i'll stop turning my anger on my husband, maybe if I control myself i wont feel a need to control him.

I'm in a phenomenally good mood I cant even explain why.

You're looking at what hopes to be a future Juvenile Probation officer. I was accepted at PCC despite the crappy application haha. I called to schedule my placement testing, and after that I will go to orientation. From there I'll meet with an advisor about classes and financial aid. (Which i'm going to need. Since i CANT afford school.) I thought about going into Psychology so I could be a therapist and specialize in teenagers and depression but I decided against it. I felt more of a calling towards working with kids who have trouble with the law.

I'm excited I really am. If all goes as planned i'll start in the summer, I think it starts in late june.

I'm in a mood.

A bad one.

I feel like none of this matters. life, love...all of it.

I feel so empty, and nothing I do can fill the emptiness. Not food, not smoking, not sleeping, not even the thought of a child.

I just wish I could make it go away. I dont like it.

But maybe I do..because I feel like me again. How sad it is that the only way I feel even close to myself is when I feel this empty and lost.

I used to be severely depressed. I looked at life as a torture fest from the depths of hell. My parents drank, treated us like complete crap and on occasion would hit us. I dropped out of school when I was 14 because i just couldnt stand it,and desperate to fit in somewhere started hanging out with my sister and her friends. I got into a lot of trouble but I stood up to my parents, openly defying them no longer taking their crap.

Despite all of that I was still horribly depressed, suicidal and would hurt myself to feel better. I didn't even try to get better having dealt with it since I was 13 it had become a part of me. I had come to hate myself over the years.

I was 18, and finally I faced the worst of it. My mother threw me out of the house a week before my 18th birthday. My boyfriend took me in. I was still depressed still not in a right mind. A year later though I realized I couldn't live like this, and no suicide wasn't going to fix a thing. I went out and got a job, I lost it a month later but I didn't care I had went out and did something. Slowly I opened up more and more to my boyfriend telling, And with the help of him and a small online community of wonderful people I saw life as something to cherish. My depression now long gone I've set my sights on bigger goals, over coming my now horrific mood swings.

And slowly but surely i am making progress, and I will hold a job again and be stable. I'm confident now that I can do what I want if I just push foward and try. Oh and I dont need a therapist to tell me any of this :) Everything I've done was with the help of my wonderful husband, and the friends i've come to appreciate more then anything.

It takes alot to overcome hard things in life, but when you do it leaves you with a feeling better then anything in the world. To just know you did it, you overcame it. Its something I love. I really am a much better person now, I may still have a few things to work out but that's life, and I really wouldn't take it any other way.

So things are looking somewhat up.

Its been nearly a week since my last mood swing, and a week since I started to exersize daily. I've been so much less irritable since I started to exersize. Not to say i'm still not pissy on ocassion but still. Me and michael are doing amazing because I'm just like I used to be. Lovey, sweet, caring...but most of all kind. I still tend to be a little selfish and I still tend to play my little mind tricks to get what I want but I'm trying to stop that, but for now he's just happy I'm my old self again at least for now :)

as for smoking..well, I dont wish to overdue it haha. maybe in a month once I have my exersize down to a habit I'll start working on quitting. for now though i think it would be pushing my willpower to much.

not much else new really though....still unemployed and that isnt goign to change anytime soon given the economy. Michael said his uncle just found a job and I had to point out his uncle has job experience and a good resume. I have nothing I can put on for job experience and as for a resume..hah.

the kittens are doing wonderful.

My dads finally doing good healthwise. In december he thought he'd had a heart attack...god that was scary...I'd hadnt cried so much in my life. My dad's not supposed to get sick or be hurt...he's my dad. Ah the views of a child huh? It wasnt a heart attack, but an infection in the sack around his heart...still just as dangerous and it could have trigger a heart attack. He's taking better care of himself, doctors said if it wasnt for the fact he had a strong heart it could have failed on him.... Dad was laid off from work in the beggining of this year...luckily heather still has her job and dads getting unemployment so they are doing okay. They're in the same boat as me and michael now, except they have two kids to take care of.

hm.

what else.

wow I'm drawing a blank.

well I guess thats it for this update later :)

easy I simply do the things he enjoys with him.(not just sexually mind you all, i'm also talking about things like playing board games etc.) I also bake for him, and give him back massages after a long day of work.

and as for sexually I wont be going into details with that. Lets just say I do what he likes and enjoys as far as that's concerned. ;)

Honestly who the hell choose this question?

I applied at subway the other day.


I just got a call from a few of their employees. Male ones. They asked my gender cause they couldnt tell from my name, asked if i was in school etc...nothing wrong with that sounded like legit questions.


Until they asked if I was hot, and when taken aback by the question didnt answer they pressed saying, 'well are you? you should know etc" untill finally pissed off I said I didnt know. they said okay, and that they'd put a note on my application and throw out all they other ones.


they had also said that they had no women on staff and wanted women workers and have been throwing out applications based on gender.


I know the manager and when I go in for my interview I will be brining it up with him. I'm beyond pissed.

Theres actually quiet the story behind my real name. Although saying my real name is sorta..well hard. I dont really know what name is my name. I was born and given the name Dana Marie. Dana being my mother best friend, and Marie being a family tradtion for middle names of the girls.

But over the years i've become confused as to who i am, I call myself by names i like..and one of them stuck by accident. Her name is Danielle. My husband called the angry side of me that, and she kept it as her own. and that side of me branched off, creating this weird mess inside my head.

I'm not really sure which of these people is me or which name is real. Dana or Danielle. so its kinda sad.. I was born with one name given another..not even the spirits will tell me my true name.

Its just a weird story as to how i came to have my names...think i'm crazy if you want thats just how it is..hell i know i'm screwed up i dont need anyone telling me further.

The middle of the ocean.

No seriously. I dont like immigration as it is with people coming into the US...I dont want to be an immigrant jumping into another country. I'd sooner jump into the middle of the ocean and drown then be like them.

no offense..i'm sorry if this is offensive to anyone this is just what i think. Yes I do what to VISIT other countries but i would never sneak into one and be an immigrant. Sorry but no.

No i dont think the US is the worlds best country not at all its just i wouldnt want to live anywhere else. legally or illegally.

and as my husband just pointed out i'm only talking about illegal immigration..sorry. I also wouldnt want to be a legal immigrant..i like my country, and wouldnt want to learn new customs or languages.

Well I scavenged for food in the house. came up with not much of anything we don't get more food stamps for another day and are out of food.. got sick from a hot dog i ate in the fridge x.x it looked and smelled fine but i guess it wasn't.

The rest of the day was uneventful till about midnight, when i was on myspace and saw a friend of mine had posted something that made me concerned so i got on aim to message him but he messaged me first. and asked if he could call me, I of course said yes, i was worried and had a feeling he needed to talk, and i haven't talked to him on the phone in a long time.

So we talked about his breakup, i wish i could help him more but there's not much i can say or do for him really except listen. Anyways after the breakup talk we chatted about oblivion and rockband 2/guitar hero 4.

lol we talked for nearly 4 hours, my husband wasn't too happy.

But i'm happier then I've been in a few days. I guess its cause i got to talk to an old friend like we used to a couple years ago. I hadn't realized how much i missed it.

Todays been nice. :)

I would call my husband and tell him how sorry i was that i couldnt get over my illness and for hurting him so much emotionally and phsyicallyu, and that i love him with all my heart..and for him to tell my family i love them.

I'm really upset right now. Michael didnt call when he left work..he always does...I have a horrible feeling...i cant explain it.

Maybe i'm just being over sensitve as usual...i dont think the fear is my own.

i hope everything is ok.

okay so i've heard of people doing this saying it doesnt work to well. But i was bored and had a bunch of tropical punch and cherry kool-aid laying around and mixed it in with conditioner making a weird paste. Left it on for two hours and rinsed my hair.  I guide i read online said leave it in 8 hours..but i have no patinece and it itched something awful.

anywas, its a really bright red, just about as good had i went and bought manic panic or some other red dye. only problem i can see with it is that it will probably fade reallly fast, which is also a good thing cause it means i'm able to change it as much as i want.

lsorry no pics...dont have a camera anymore.

ps. I recomend if you are going to do this to start with reallllly light blonde hair...and something to remove it from your skin..mine is stained horribly lol

I think i will now go crawl into bed and cry.

i got my tests today.

took two..both said negative....

my neckchoker came too..its beautiful...

but..i'm so upset right now..i honestly thought this time i was more then i ever have before

So i've always been able to feel a spirits presence...and on ocassion i've seen and heard spirits. Theres been two in paticular that have been following me for 6 years. My guardian as i call him, because he's always been comferting and when he speaks its always to tell me things will turn out..and this other 'thing' when the other guy is around..its unsettling to an extreme. I've seen him before as well...and hes not friendly. he makes himself noticed by banging on things, and locking the bathroom door when no ones in it... (my guardian has locked out my husband from the house  but thats cause he doesnt like him) and i got scared. I went on fourms and asked advice on how to deal with this threatening presence..everyone said to ignore it and it should lessen. I ignored it..and he spoke to me the other night as i was about to fall asleep (it pulled me awake from my half asleep state) he said he'd show himself soon but for now he found things to amusing...it didnt sound friendly..and when he finished the sentence i called for my guardian to stay in the room with me..and i heard the bad voice saying my guardian couldnt protect me forever...and i saw a faint shadow in front of the bathroom door before i turned the lights on and attempted to go back to sleep.

my guardian sat there with me the whole night, calming me saying he wouldnt let it hurt me...but i'm scared of it.

i sound crazy i know..and michael says i'm being a child..but not one person i know believes in what i believe..so its hard.

I've forgiven him...we had a talk. I finally let him explain everything to me. I needed to know the truth of everything to be able to forgive him yet everytime he tried I would start yelling at him to stop talking..cause I was afraid of what I'd hear.
But now I understand and I can honestly say I've forgiven him.

So. I should be happy and on the road to putting the broken pieces of my sanity back together..right? But its not going like I thought..My mind broke during the whole thing, and putting it back well isnt going to be easy. I've become to close to my anger to close to that personality to let it go so easily.


and i've been feeling a growing depression...lately i've thought about cutting again which I havent done in a long time..i can see myself doing it..it seems so..right.

and i'm sick again... not so much nauseous anymore but my body feels tired and I need more sleep, and i've been getting hot and cold flashes. Somehow I think prehaps cutting could solve it...i'm more then fucked up..

Between moments i'm awake and alert to those where I pass out in the bathtub and not remember why i was in there in the first place or what happened a few minuets before I got in there...I dont have much else..the first few hours i'm awake i'm alert but after that my mind slips, i become unable to focus I get a pain in the back of my skull and my hearing and vision get uncomfertble. its not a migraine though...I dont know what it is.. it goes away when I get mad though.

meh if its not one problem in my life its another.


If only he knew how close i was to ending it all just to escape the pains and the mood swings...and the insanity.

I'm going to the ER tonight.

I cant stand the fucking nausea its to fucking much..I cant wait till the first of november to see a doctor I need to see one now...even if it means hours in a waiting room...

Whats wrong with me?

I just want to be happy..and I want to do everything I can right now to maintain this feeling...but I still have this feeling that it wont last..because it never does..

Maybe I just get scared of letting myself stay happy...because I get so used to being down all the time.


anyways....

I got two hours of my community service done today. 2.5 hours left. probably get it done tommorow.

Didnt make it out to safeway to get my job application..I didnt want to over do it.

I dont know.

I'm tired...